Jayden...

I had the great joy of spending several hours with my great-nephew, Jayden, yesterday. He'll be 2 in May and he's an absolute joy! I took him to visit with my parents and Kieran and we had a blast! He's walking and talking and making everyone laugh. I feel so blessed that his father wants to maintain contact...repairing broken bridges...good stuff.
Work was not so bad today, and Kieran made it safely to Newport, RI (thanks to some awesome 'back-road' directions from Chris!). Ended the night with some great and wise friends...life is good, and it keeps getting better...

Weekend Time with the Family...

Kieran's here for another day or so before she drives up to Newport, RI to join Grant. So today we went to see Rich, Em, Jake and Owen (basketball games and lunch at Zakes - yummy!), and tonight we spent some time with Tree & Roy's kids, Caeli, Christiane & Little Roy. So much fun! And something has been occuring to me recently...time spent with my family is so much improved. I think about how I used to be and this time would sometimes make me sad. I'm pretty sure it's because I had so much shame about myself and I couldn't quite be comfortable and hold real, meaningful conversations. Today it's different...the conversations and time I spend is honest, real, funny, loving. I'm so much more comfortable in my skin and not ashamed of who I am. I may not have a great job, or a husband or children, or enough money (and yes, this does get me down sometimes), but I'm healthy and sober and happy. And this makes for easier times with my family. And for this I am so, so, so grateful...even when tripping on Little Roy's 'motkin' control' car!

Working From Home...

...it's not all it's cracked up to be...or maybe it's just this project I'm working on...which is extremely painful. The past 2 days have been really challenging. I've been going a bit stir crazy. They still haven't plowed my street and a girl got stuck earlier. I really want to get out of here but I'm not sure I'll be able to. Anyhoo...I managed to make it to the gym today, and had a really good workout (except for the part where I dropped the bench on my right foot - painful & embarrassing!). Walked Jack too (messy!) and he made a new friend...Fred...the 3 month old shar pei/pug mix my neighbors just got a few weeks ago. Oh...my...god...I can't get over how frickin' ADORABLE this little guy is!
Had a few good conversations with various family members (Mom, Tree, Kier, Rich)...love 'em, man.
As cranky as I can get (see above), I really do feel like I have a charmed life. Great & loving family, a host of incredible and supportive friends, a cute little work-in-progress home of my own in Manayunk, a dog & cat that keep me entertained (and poor at times!) and a million other things.
I have a bunch of things to look forward to, one of which is seeing Bobby Long at World Cafe Live on March 4th with a few of my friends. We're also going bowling (I'm not so sure how I'll do...my bowling skills are questionable) at the end of February and hopefully a trip to Rhode Island and then a warm vacation with my girls...
Ok...gotta watch Idol...the auditions are best part of the show!

Dinner with the Girls...

Well, Dad couldn't make it because he wasn't feeling well, so Mom & Kieran came down. I ran around like a crazy person trying to get ready. I was worried about the mashed potatoes, but they came out great! Ham, potatoes, green beans, baked beans, pineapple, Mom's homemade coleslaw (my fav!) and peanut butter chip brownies courtesy of Kieran! Dinner was pretty damn good, if I say so myself. We had a great time telling stories and cracking the hell up. My mom's stories are so funny, and long, and confusing sometimes...she goes off on tangents (I inherited that from her) and at one point Kieran yelled "I need a diagram!" OMG - so funny. And...I did ALL of the dishes, so no mess to deal with tomorrow. I'm tired and my back hurts, but I'm feeling pretty good right now...

Washing Dishes = Happy Kat

Just before I got sober in 2005, my house was in shambles. This included the dirty dishes I had piled in the sink & hidden in the oven. It was disgusting. And today, I know I'm depressed if my dishes start to pile up. Luckily (lately) they have not been. Tonight, before my dinner was dished out onto my plate, I was already planning my 'attack' on the dishes. And then I heard George's voice in my head: "You haven't even eaten your dinner yet and you're already doing the dishes..." - so I decided to slow down, enjoy my dinner, and THEN worry about the dishes. Balance...
Before I stopped drinking, I always, ALWAYS put stuff off. Bills, cleaning, responsibilities...I didn't deal with anything. Drinking always got in the way (and depression). Today it's different. I feel like if I don't take care of something, including the dishes, that I'll be heading down that awful road again of bad, bad habits. Maybe that makes me a bit anal, but I'll take that instead of the alternative.
Tomorrow night I'm having my parents and sister Kieran over for dinner...whoa...are we in an alternate universe??!! I'm excited though...the extra time I've been spending in the kitchen has helped me 'prepare' for this feat. Ham, mashed potatoes, green beans, baked beans, and pineapple. And Kieran's making dessert!
I just hope the bad weather holds off until we're done eating...and the dishes are done!  :-)

Random Facts

1. I love birds. I'm not sure when this began, exactly. Maybe when I was working in Delaware and driving down 95 everyday...seeing the pigeons lined up on the highway signs just gave me a chuckle. I never really noticed before then. I particularly love the little teenie birds (I think they're sparrows) we see here in Philly so often. I'm not sure what it is about them, but when I see them my heart just swells. They're so damn cute...I want to pick them up and kiss and hug them (I know, too small to do, but what can I say?). I was walking to work from my parking spot and passed a big dumpster filled with branches...and there were a ton of them just hanging out...chirping...I had to stop and watch them for a few minutes. I just get so much joy and a little peace when I see them. They're like little tiny reminders that my Creator is near.
2. I pick up pennies from the ground. I used to be embarrased to do this. They're only pennies, right? But a friend of mine once reminded me that on every piece of American currency, it says "In God We Trust" - another little 'reminder'...so I'm not embarrassed anymore...and the pennies add up!!
TGIF!!

Hhhmmm...

I wonder if I'm breaking any rules continuing to track my 'adventures in unemployment' when I'm working...(even if only temporarily). I'll say one thing...going back to work in the same setting has made me realize even more that I'm not the personality type that belongs in corporate America. I'm not really into the whole 9-5 thing, working for a company whose only interest is the bottom line. Good people work there and I really enjoy seeing them, but my next 'job' really has to be more fulfilling for me. Dog walking, helping people, superstardom, gardening, making coffee, making friends, teaching, finger painting...whatever...I just need a damn change! I am feeling much more like myself now that the doc has put me on little pill #2. The severe lack of motivation and 'cloud' seem to be disappearing. And getting out of bed has been a bit easier. Phew!
So, in addition to listening to the new Band of Horses album, I've been listening to the new Kings of Leon "Come Around Sundown" - honestly, I'm not impressed (and I've been a fan for many years...before the band wagon hoppers jumped on). But...the XX's album is fantastic. Check it out. And I'm obsessed with Adele's new single "Rolling in the Deep" - hopefully it'll be the next one Bill & I learn.
Did some research today for a trip that Debi & Erin & I want to take. I checked out St. John and Tulum. Man...what beautiful places! I really hope it works out. Travelling inspires me. My last 'real' trip (other than going to Quantico in December and Providence, RI in October) was to the 'World Convention' in San Antonio in July...one of the best trips EVER! So I'm really looking forward to getting away to somewhere warm and sunny with some really cool chicks. Gonna hit Newport, RI and San Diego too...might as well take advantage of the time I'll have once this temp job is over.
Lord, I'm chatty tonight...

Monday Schtuff

Sitting here at the office...nothing too exciting going on. I'm putting together a list of songs to learn, including Adele's new one "Rolling in the Deep" - I'm obsessed! I love it! I hope I can find a copy and we can work it out. I got some really exciting news about Jack over the weekend...no UTI or bladder infection, although he's on an antibiotic just in case. But more importantly, Dr. L said that his 'test results were surprisingly good' and his kidney function indicators and phosphorus levels are normal. He was running around the dog park like a puppy yesterday...so damn cute! And for the first time in a while, when I got home last night, the diaper was still on and no pee! Whoohoo!
On a more somber note, someone very close to me is sick...and suffering mentally & emotionally, I believe. I'm praying that she is healed quickly. Especially since she was so instrumental in getting me well.
Over the weekend I continued to de-clutter and I donated a few things to the Salvation Army. One of those items was my yellow backpack with wheels that I used to bring to the Phoenix Training Center when I was serving my weekends for my 2nd DUI. I probably could have salvaged it (cleaned it up), but I have to say I was frickin' happy as hell to get that thing and the memories associated with it out of my house!
Busy night tonight...hopefully I'll be back before the crappy weather starts...

:-)

I feel good today. It's a beautifully sunny day and I'm drinking coffee and enjoying my Saturday so far. I've done some reading and am doing some wash right now.
Jack's vet appt went well yesterday - we got alot accomplished and Dr. L was encouraged with his overall health, appetite, and weight. Plus, Jack and I got to see the 'girls' at WCVH and we just adore them!
I spent hours yesterday going through all of my papers and stuff from 2010 (my 'filing' system is sorely lacking here...it consists of piling things in a drawer!). I got most of it done and categorized into folders.
I also got to talk to my baby sis yesterday...she and her hubby made it to San Diego and she said it's beautiful there! I can't wait to visit...
Last night's meeting was great...I heard lots of good stuff. Had a blast afterwards...a few friends came over and we started exploring a 'girls' vacation to St. John (I am so excited about this I could pee!). Then we worked on some music (Bill & I practiced The White Stripes' "We're Going to be Friends" while Erin worked as the 'scroll girl') - we had SO much fun and laughed our @$$es off!
So today, I'm full of hope, gratitude, and happiness (I hope this lasts!).  :-)

Pee...

Had to make a vet appointment for little Jack for tomorrow b/c he may have a UTI. So, I'm supposed to collect a urine sample. Ok, no problem, right? Let him out, place container under his you-know-what, and catch the pee! Success...until...he kicked it out of my hand! More yellow snow...until next pee break.
I was admiring the scenery driving home from work today...the Schuylkill is frozen and there were a bunch of Canadian geese sitting on it. So beautiful. Hard to keep my eyes on the road with such beauty.
On another positive note, I had one of the best night's sleep I've had in a very, very long time. My doc prescribed another 'pill' because the little one wasn't doing the trick. Maybe it's starting to work, who knows, but getting out of bed was much easier today. Whoohoo!
OH, I downloaded a bunch of new music (new KOL album, XX, and Band of Horses). The new BOH album is STELLAR! Check it out...
Me loves me some good tunes, yo...

Sage...

I just finished 'smudging' my home (thank you, George, for the sage). I love the smell...it reminds me of the sweat lodge I attended this past fall and it grounds me a bit. I smudged Jack too...
I worked from home today (thank you Mother Nature!) and read through an incredibly boring audit manual. Then I went nuts doing stuff around here (was it that afternoon cup o' joe?). Owning a home is fantastic, but there is an endless list of things that have to get done...but I'll take it, man. I have so, so, so much more to do, but one day at a time, right?
I noticed that my neck/back pain has returned since going back to work. Coincidence? I think not...I guess I'll have to bring the Aleve with me until the project is complete.
Also gave Jack another subcutaneous treatment today...I don't think I'll ever get totally used to it (nor will Jack!), but he's been such a good sport. I bring 'cookies' with me and sing to him and rub his head...hopefully that makes it a bit easier for him to bear. He's enjoying his new diet...ground beef, chicken, cottage cheese, eggs, parsley flakes, vitamin C and fish oil...he's eating better than me!
That's my cue to go make some dinner for myself. I'm missing a game/movie night with my friends, but parking in the Yunk is 3x as bad with snow and I'm afraid to leave my spot. Jeez...that makes me feel old...

1-11-11

Second day back at work, and so far so good. A little slow to start...but that's ok. It's nice to see all of my friends from D&Z. They said it was so 'quiet' without me...not sure if that's a compliment or what...!  :-)
Last night's meeting was a really good one. I kept getting choked up. One of my friends shared that he wanted God to take his life...and He did...and gave him a new one. That's how I've felt since August 16, 2005. Another woman shared that she was feeling much better since going into treatment, even though she doesn't have any money, or a car, or food, etc. After the meeting I witnessed one of the kindest acts I've ever seen. I was going to hand her my phone number, and a married couple (with not much money themselves) was giving this woman money for groceries. I was so incredibly moved and I can't stop thinking about it. I am so blessed to have this group of people in my life. I've made some of the best friends...true friends, and I get the kind of support and love not many people get to experience. Life is good, peeps!!!

Aunt Teresa...

I had dinner and a really nice visit with my great aunt Teresa. She's my dad's aunt and she's 88 (but you would NEVER guess it). I love spending time with her and hearing stories about her family and my Uncle Joe (her late husband). And she's hilarious...she comes out with gems such as "the 'oldies' are dead" (and she meant people, not the music genre!). Lord, I love that woman.
Went to a really nice party last night in West Philly with some friends. Good people, good food, good times...and MAN those houses are so huge and cool.
I have to go to work tomorrow...the start of my 3-month 'pause' in my time off. I hope Jack doesn't rebel too much...

Boxes...

I'm attempting to be a bit productive each day, so today I brought up 3 boxes from the basement. They were filled with stuff, mostly knick-knacky gift-y type things. I've been feeling ready to de-clutter and get rid of stuff, so I was all gung-ho for this task! I think a little too gung-ho. At one point while I had both hands full of stuff from the 2nd box, I kinda froze and got really confused as to what I was going to do with this stuff! I realized that I don't have to get rid of EVERYTHING...and that my house is still a work in progress and some stuff could just stay 'put away' for now. So...I did manage to fill a box for the Salvation Army, a bag of stuff others may want, and a bag of stuff that I'm keeping. I still have a ton of stuff to go through, pictures in frames, cds, books, files, clothes, etc. but a little at a time, right?
It's the weekend and I'll be enjoying it like the rest of the world since I have to go to work Monday. More snow, more boxes, lots of coffee, and hopefully some fun!

So Good I Had to Write Twice!

Yes, twice in one day! This is what stopped me in my tracks today at Gorgas Park while walking Jack. Such a beautiful image that reminded me that there's more out there than just me...helping me, protecting me, loving me.
I was cleaning out a drawer today and came across something I wrote down from a movie a saw a while ago called "Martian Child." John Cusack's character says to Amanda Peet's character "You're one relentlessly sunny individual" and she responds with "Yeah, well I don't always wake up that way." SO appropriate for me, wouldn't you say?  :-)
Got to hang out and catch up with an old friend (hey Andrew!) before meeting up with some girlfriends...
So it's been another great day...

Countdown...

Only a few more days until I go back to work, so I'm trying to make the most of it. My mood has improved since the conclusion of the holidays. Not sure if its my meds finally starting to work, or if I'm excited that we're closer to Spring...whatever, I'll take it! My sister and her hubby are headed out West and are stopping in New Orleans for a couple of days. It is one of my FAVORITE places...I wish I could be there. The French Quarter is full of really cool people and architecture and history...
I got to see Aunt Barb, Uncle Joe, Marlene and Len Tuesday night before Aunt B & Uncle J returned to Florida. It was a really fun visit at my parents (and yes, I cheated on my low-carb diet!). My older sister has been struggling with a situation for the past few weeks...her and her husband were the victims of identity theft and have lost thousands of dollars. I'm praying that they find the person/people responsible...what a nightmare.
I got a letter from my niece, Mandy yesterday...she's still in Rhode Island and hopefully will complete the program and start building her life back up again.
My dad has been in alot of pain lately. This worries all of us. He takes meds and has a special pillow, but it seems as though he won't make a change in his 'routine' so he continues to suffer. It's so sad and frustrating to watch. He's so miserable when he's in pain. We've been trying to get him to try something different, but he always says he's too busy with 'work.' Ugh...
I just got a text from my younger sis (from the road). She said her hubby officially has a mustache now and she 'can't take him seriously' when she looks at him! OMG I can't stop laughing...  good way to start the day (well, that and coffee!!).  :-)

Carb-O

So I've been trying to watch my carb intake in an effort to lose a few more pounds. I guess these white chocolate-covered cashews I'm eating right now aren't helping!
It's been a really fantastic day today. I woke up early, early, early, and the same ol' crap was going through my brain. But...today, I made a decision to go back to bed and not feel guilty about it. When I did finally get out of bed for the day, I didn't feel guilty...it was like some weight had been lifted (even if temporarily). So I've had a pretty great and productive day, and I got to see my baby sis and her hubby for a bit before they depart tomorrow morning for San Diego (road trip, with a stop in New Orleans!).
Yesterday Debi & I got to visit with Krysta and Sofia...what a great visit! Sofia Marie is so, so, so precious. And I got to change her poopie diaper...good times...
Today was topped off by a 'meeting' with my peeps. Tomorrow I'm going to put together the lamps I got from IKEA today and some other 'house' stuff on my list will get done before hangin' with the fam to see Aunt Barb and Uncle Joe off. Next week...back to work.

1-1-11

It's almost 10pm and I'm sitting here with Jack watching Eclipse (yes, I'm a sucker for the Twilight series...read all of the books). Went to see Burlesque with a few friends earlier...entertaining. I'm kinda dreading having to go back to work next Monday, but it will only be for 3 months, thank goodness. Yesterday I learned a few valuable things from my friend "G" who is helping me with my house. We worked some more upstairs and I continue to be amazed at how good he is at what he does...and with his patience for my lack of 'handyman' skills. But I learned how to hammer nails out of a board, remove trim from a window, and remove staples from the floor. How lucky I am to have this man as my friend. I'm blessed with several of them since entering this new phase of my life (about 5 years ago). And although I struggle daily with where I am in my life right now, I take solice in the fact that I have true friends...that I can be myself with...no bullshit, no lying, no worrying about being fake...or what the hell I did the night before (that someone would have to fill me in on...usually Randi, poor thing).
Today, while at the gym, I was confronted with a smell that took me back to a very difficult time in my life. I was serving my weekends (45 of them) from my 2nd DUI in 2005 and most of them were at the Phoenix Training Center at 10th & Lehigh. It was a work-release program for women in prison and the sent 'weekenders' there as well. Some of the girls would spray themselves with this sickeningly sweet body spray (or whatever the hell it was) and the stink of it would even wake me up sometimes. Ew, ew, ew...I couldn't stand it. So whenever I smell something like it, it takes me right back to that place. So today, although the stench of it made me want to vomit, it also made me so extremely grateful...grateful for my life and my freedom and my friends...my true friends...